


tony stark wanting to die but it's 10 minutes long

by jophieso



Series: tony stark but he's an internet sensation [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Avengers Tower, Clint's hips don't lie, Domestic Avengers, FRIDAY and JARVIS being little shits, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fluff, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Team as Family, blink and you'll miss tony's lust for russians, like cotton candy, lots of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 09:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16282208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jophieso/pseuds/jophieso
Summary: "Hammer had managed to ahold of the tower’s security footage from the last few months and had decided to leak it to the public. However, the stunt didn’t have the intended effect.At all.Suffice to say, the two hours of footage that was just Barnes sitting on the floor of the communal kitchen, eating cup after cup of yogurt, didn’t send the general public into some sort of negative uproar. Nor did the solid fifteen minutes of Clint crying over Marley and Me.The only reaction that was garnered was a wildly ridiculous one, from – as Peter had named it – Avengers stan twitter."





	tony stark wanting to die but it's 10 minutes long

**Author's Note:**

> hey! this is crack but on the down low,
> 
>  
> 
> [inspired by this tumblr post!](http://flange5.tumblr.com/post/176447842746/au-where-the-security-footage-from-the-avengers)

Justin Hammer was always looking for ways to sabotage Tony Stark and his Avengers team. At this point it was just a fact of life. Every now and then, Hammer would fabricate clearly fake tweets or old posts from the Avengers or go as far as to send things to the tower. Tony’s favorite example was when Hammer had one of his lackeys attempt to sneak up on Tony and Natasha.

Natasha simply turned on her heel, arched one eyebrow at the man lazily, and he shrugged, stalking off without so much as an attempt at a kick or a punch.

This, though, this was different. Hammer had reached an entirely new level, and while it was mildly concerning, Tony and the general public were more amused than anything.

Hammer had managed to ahold of the tower’s security footage from the last few months and had decided to leak it to the public. However, the stunt didn’t have the intended effect.

At all.

Suffice to say, the two hours of footage that was just Barnes sitting on the floor of the communal kitchen, eating cup after cup of yogurt, didn’t send the general public into some sort of negative uproar. Nor did the solid fifteen minutes of Clint crying over Marley and Me.

The only reaction that was garnered was a wildly ridiculous one, from – as Peter had named it – Avengers stan twitter.

Namely, countless videos of Tony specifically had arisen. Compilations of Tony staring into the camera like he was Jim Halpert from The Office.

In Tony’s defense, he wasn’t completely to blame. JARVIS and FRIDAY, with their wicked senses of humor, decided it’d be hilarious to zoom in on Tony whenever he stared into their cameras, looking like he’d rather eat a steak knife than be where he was in he moment. Here he was, seeking comfort from his devious computer children, and they made a mockery of his very real pain.

Many kids around Peter’s age had taken the liberty of combing through months of footage and compiling them into one video.

Within days, the internet was flooded with their newest, pointless, hilarious joke.

Tony Stark.

_Tony Stark wanting to die for 10 minutes_

_Tony Stark craving death_

_Tony Stark wishing to meet his maker_

_Tony Stark is done with this bullshit_

__Peter found the entire situation hilarious. He could be found anywhere in the tower, watching the same moments over and over again, but in different orders and underneath increasingly elaborate titles.

_Tony Stark embodying the emotions you feel when you’re losing in Uno_

What the public really learned was that Tony Stark wanted to die.

A lot.

***

**Tony Stark wondering if he can make hawks go extinct**

****The footage is of Tony and Clint, sprawled lazily across the couches in the common area. They’re watching some cheesy television show on cable. Tony doesn’t really understand why they even need cable when he could just buy whatever they want to watch, but Clint likes the infomercials.

Sometimes, he likes to watch _just_ commercials, which Tony will never understand. But he’s been in the workshop for thirty-one hours, as JARVIS so thankfully reminds him, so he doesn’t complain.

That is, until an old commercial for Beanie Babies in McDonalds happy meals comes on.

Clint cocks his head thoughtfully, before turning to face Tony, his expression completely serious, not at all sarcastic.

“Do you think you can eat the beans they put in Beanie Babies? Would they even taste good?”

Tony’s entire face goes blank, eyes dead as he stares directly into one of FRIDAY’s cameras. Being the jokester, she is, she zooms in until there’s nothing in frame but Tony, making sure that his completely lax - rather corpse-like - posture is visible.

He simply shakes his head, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before saying, “Why don’t you try it out, birdbrain? Tell me how it goes.”

***

**Tony Stark shows us why living with assassins is a complete mistake**

****Tony just wanted to enjoy a simple breakfast. Was that too much to ask? The man almost never left his lab for a meal this early in the day, and the one time he did, he walked in on a knife fight.

 ****Bucky was wielding some sort of dagger and Tony wanted to know why the _hell_ Barnes had a dagger in the kitchen until he remembered who he was talking about. Of course, Barnes had a dagger at seven in the morning.

The super soldier seemed to be holding one of Natasha’s fancy chocolate bars imported from Russia captive, pointing the dagger towards her threateningly. Tony shrugged, ignoring the rapid-fire Russian surrounding him and making his way to the coffee pot.

Tony crossed no-man’s-land and made it safely to the coffee pot. He wasn’t going to let two hungry Russians ruin his morning. He also didn’t care that his favorite barstool was right in the middle of the mess.

He crossed the kitchen once more, and just as he was about to sit down and _finally_ indulge in his wonderful cup of happiness, a knife whizzed past him. A steak knife. There was a shocked gasp from Natasha, and the telltale _clink_ of Barnes’ metal arm as he caught the utensil.

Tony glanced down to his arm where the knife had passed and, oh cool, the knife didn’t touch him, all it did was cut part of the sleeve of one of _dozens_ of MIT sweatshirts the man owned.

With a heavy sigh, Tony made eye contact with the nearest camera, shaking his head. “Please, no knife fights before noon.”

With that, Tony exited the kitchen, mumbling quietly to himself as he made his way towards the elevators.

“What the fuck, what the hell? When did this become my life?”

FRIDAY, helpful as she was, decided to reply.

“In 2012, after the battle of New York when you invited the rest of the team to come live with you.”

***

**Tony Stark deciding he’ll never dye his hair blond**

****“Steve! You could’ve died!”

Steve rolls his eyes, crossing his arms. Even in the suit his forearms are bulging, and Tony wishes he was still in his suit, so he could at least be eye-level with Steve. He turns away, pacing the conference room and paying no mind to the rest of the team as he rubs at his temples.

“It’s not that bad, Tony, I’ve done it before!”

Tony can’t believe what he’s hearing, and he spins around to face Steve once again.

“What, so you’ve just made a habit out of jumping out of planes that are a couple hundred feet off the ground, without sparing a second thought for, I don’t know, a parachute?!”

Steve suddenly seems to grow smaller as he fiddles with his hands, still covered by thick gloves.

“Yes…?”

Tony sighs in exasperation, taking a seat at the conference table beside Peter and placing his head in his hands. After a few seconds he glances up, rolling his eyes at the camera before turning to Peter and saying, in the most sarcastic tone possible,

“So, is there like, a waitlist for that whole Tide Pod challenge thing?”

***

**Tony Stark can’t say no to an actual golden retriever**

The footage of Thor was scarce, as he was often off planet, dealing with things greater than the resident bad guy of the week. However, there was one clip that the public seemed to adore.

Tony exited the elevator onto the communal floor, fully expecting it to be empty. Natasha, Steve, and Bucky were out on a mission, Clint was somewhere in the vents, Bruce was in the lab, and Peter was at school.

Unfortunately, quiet is not what greeted Tony.

He turned a corner into the living room and in the middle of the room was Thor, and… a moose.

With only one helpless, desperate glance at the cameras, Tony spoke softly.

“Thor, why is there a moose in my living room? Do we even have moose – mooses? meese? – in Manhattan?”

***

There was no good lone clip of Bruce, because the man was so calm, so rational, he never shocked Tony by throwing knives or wanting to digest the insides of a stuffed animal. God, Tony loved Bruce.

***

**The World’s ~~Mightiest~~ Softest Heroes**

Why did Tony even invest in a Wii? There were so many better consoles out there, so many better games out there. And yet, here he was, sitting on the couch during Avengers game night, watching Clint pull Bruce up to play _Just Dance_ with him.

It would’ve been okay, in theory. Hell, Tony might have played himself if it hadn’t been for what Clint did next.

The man, the _grown ass man,_ used the remote and selected When I Grow Up by the Pussycat Dolls.

Again, Tony had nothing against them. He’d admit to knowing at least a few words to the song if anyone asked.

Clint turned around used his controller as a mock microphone, putting on his best game-show host face and winking at Tony. “And next up, Big Brucey and the Coolest Clint, performing a song for their dear friend, Tony Stark.”

Tony rolled his eyes and glanced at the cameras, but he hadn’t proclaimed his death wish quite yet.

He watched with an amused smile as the dancer came on screen and soon enough, Bruce and Clint were copying the moves of some virtual neon girl without a face. Clint went as far as to act as if he was checking himself out. Bruce looked wildly uncomfortable but as he got into it, he relaxed more.

The first _ha, ha, ha, ha_ hit, and _wow_ Tony did not know Clint’s hips did that!

Tony faced the camera, eyes wide as one hand massaged his temple. Silently, he mouthed to the cameras, _what the **actual** hell? _

Soon enough, Natasha joined in, even without a controller. Then Thor. And then Peter, and then Steve, and even Bucky! Bucky Barnes! Ghost story! Tony couldn’t comprehend how the Russian spies managed to move like that!

Clint was singing along loudly, and while Bruce and Clint had to face the screen to compete, everyone else turned around to blow Tony a kiss whenever the game offered the chance.

Eventually, the joy in the room got to Tony and he couldn’t sit out any longer. With a coy smile at his cameras and a lazy shrug, he hopped up off of the couch, and allowed Bucky and Natasha to pull him into the mob.

Yeah, Tony was sure his team was going to send him to an early grave, but whatever life he was able to live before then, they sure as hell made it better.

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed, i thrive off of validation from strangers  
> also if you wanna see the dance that Clint and Bruce and the rest of the team were doing...  
> [here it is!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkV_dGyz22Y)  
> enjoy :)


End file.
